How Snape Stole Christmas
by The Potions Mistress
Summary: Yeah I know it's after Christmas, but I couldn't get my hands on the book until now. Please read and tell me what you think. Thanks!


Disclaimer: I don't own any characters here, nor do I own the plot line. I stole them both from J.K. Rowling and Dr. Seuss. The nutty idea to join them was all mine. I've also taken some liberties with Hogwarts traditions. They don't tell fables at Christmas, I pretty much used it only because it rhymed.  
  
And now…  
  
HOW SNAPE STOLE CHRISTMAS!  
  
1 With apologies to J.K. Rowling and Dr. Seuss  
  
Every kid,  
  
Up at Hogwarts,  
  
Liked Christmas a lot,  
  
But Snape,  
  
Who lived south in the dungeons,  
  
Did NOT!  
  
Snape hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
  
Now please don't ask why, no one knows quite the reason.  
  
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.  
  
It could be, perhaps, that his robes were too tight.  
  
But I think that the most likely reason of all,  
  
May have been that his heart was ten sizes too small.  
  
But,  
  
Whatever the reason,  
  
His heart or his cloaks,  
  
He stood there on Christmas Eve just hating those folks,  
  
Staring across the Great Hall with a big Snapey sneer,  
  
As the children of Hogwarts spread joy and good cheer.  
  
For he knew every kid Hogwarts school,  
  
Was busy now making way for the yule.  
  
"And they're exchanging gifts," he snarled with a swear,  
  
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's too much to bear!"  
  
Then he growled with his long fingers nervously drumming,  
  
"I MUST find some way to stop Chistmas from coming."  
  
For,  
  
Tomorrow he knew,  
  
Second to none,  
  
The kids would wake early, and for their presents they'd run,  
  
And then! Oh the fun! Oh the fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!  
  
If there was one thing he hated it was fun! Fun! Fun! FUN!  
  
Then the teachers and kids would sit down to a feast.  
  
And they'd feast, and they'd feast,  
  
And they'd feast! Feast! Feast! Feast!  
  
They'd feast on potatoes and hot beefy stew.  
  
The thought of all this made Snape want to spew.  
  
And THEN,  
  
They'd do something,  
  
Done every year in the past.  
  
Every kid in the castle, from first year to last,  
  
Would sit close together at one of the tables.  
  
They'd sit drawn in rapture, and tell each other fables.  
  
And they'd laugh, and they'd laugh,  
  
And they'd laugh! Laugh! Laugh! Laugh!  
  
And the more that Snape thought of this dumb story-telling,  
  
The more and the more that Snape felt like yelling.  
  
"Why for over ten years, I've put up with it now."  
  
"I must stop this Christmas from coming,"  
  
"But how?"  
  
Then he got an idea.  
  
An awful idea.  
  
SNAPE  
  
GOT A WONDERFUL AWFUL IDEA!  
  
"I know just what to do." He smiled to his ear lobes.  
  
And made a quick set of red and white robes.  
  
He magicked a beard that reached to the floor.  
  
"Why with all this," he smirked, "I look just like Dumbledore."  
  
"All I need is a phoenix…"  
  
Snape looked around,  
  
And since they are rare, there was none to be found.  
  
Did that stop old Snape…?  
  
No! The git simply said,  
  
"If I can't find a phoenix, I'll make one instead."  
  
So he called his pal Malfoy, then took some gold thread,  
  
And he tied a big golden feather to the top of his head.  
  
THEN,  
  
He found some old bags,  
  
Enough for every toy,  
  
And gathered them together,  
  
And threw them at Malfoy.  
  
Then Snape said, "Let's go."  
  
And the pair went upstairs,  
  
Toward the dorms where the kids,  
  
Lay asleep without cares.  
  
All the hallways were dark, silence filled the night.  
  
Even Peeves wasn't around, giving students a fright.  
  
He stopped at the first painting there on his right.  
  
"The password is 'moonbeam'," old Snapey hissed,  
  
And he climbed into the portrait, empty bags in a fist.  
  
He tripped into the common room, cursing his cape,  
  
But if Albus could wear it then so could old Snape.  
  
He picked himself up, and looked 'round the room,  
  
Pondering where to begin his mission of doom.  
  
He stared at the stockings on the mantle with disgust.  
  
"Ooh how sweet," he cooed, "destroy them I must!"  
  
Then he creeped and he crawled with a sneer most unpleasant,  
  
Around the whole room and he snatched every present.  
  
Broomsticks and books and sweaters from mum,  
  
Invisibility cloaks and Drooble's Best Blowing Gum.  
  
One by one he levitated them into a sack,  
  
And pushed it through the door onto Malfoy's back.  
  
Then he slunk to the cupboard and he took the kids' sweets,  
  
Chocolate Frogs, Bott's Beans and all sorts of treats,  
  
He cleaned out that cupboard quick as a flash,  
  
And threw it in a sack along with the trash.  
  
He stuffed all the food out the portrait with glee,  
  
"And NOW," grinned Snape, "I'll take care of that tree."  
  
Snape raised it up with his wand and moved toward the door,  
  
When he heard a small sound he had not heard before.  
  
He whirled around fast and saw a small girl,  
  
Little Ginny Weasley, her red hair in a curl.  
  
Snape had been caught by this tiny first year,  
  
But did not recognize him in his Dumbledore gear.  
  
She stared at Snape and said, "Headmaster, why,"  
  
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?"  
  
But you know old Snape, so quick and so witty,  
  
Thought up such a good lie, even he felt some pity.  
  
"Why my sweet little child," the fake Dumbledore lied,  
  
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side."  
  
"So I'm taking it up to my office, my dear."  
  
"I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here.  
  
Well, his fib fooled poor Ginny (she was too young to tell),  
  
And he sent he upstairs with a hearty farewell.  
  
And when Ginny Weasley reached the top stair,  
  
Snape sent the tree flying through the room in the air.  
  
Then the last thing he took,  
  
Was the children's wizard chess set.  
  
Then he climbed through the portrait without a regret.  
  
There was nothing good left, he'd be willing to bet.  
  
And the one speck of food,  
  
Left in Gryffindor house,  
  
Was a barf-flavored Bean, too gross for a mouse.  
  
Then he did the same thing,  
  
To the other three dorms.  
  
Well, not so much Slytherin,  
  
Which for him was not out of norms.  
  
It was twenty past six,  
  
And the school still asleep,  
  
As he levitated their stuff,  
  
And out of the castle did creep,  
  
With all of their gifts, and their food, and their toys,  
  
And their stockings, and clothing for good girls and boys.  
  
Sixty feet out, over the lake,  
  
The packages hovered, waiting for the plunge they would take.  
  
"Ha Ha to the kids!" he cried as he thought of his theft.  
  
"They're just finding out that Christmas has left."  
  
"They're waking up now, and I know what they'll say,"  
  
"They'll stare at the common room, left in disarray,"  
  
"And declare 'Who in hell magicked our Christmas away?'."  
  
"That's something," grinned Snape,  
  
"I simply must hear."  
  
So he paused for a moment and put his hand to his ear.  
  
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.  
  
It started off low. Then it started to grow…  
  
But the sound wasn't sad!  
  
Why this sounded merry!  
  
It couldn't be so!  
  
But it was merry! VERY!  
  
He stared up at Hogwarts,  
  
Snape popped his eyes,  
  
For what he saw,  
  
Was a shocking surprise.  
  
Every kid up at Hogwarts, from Ravenclaw to Hufflepuff,  
  
Was lauging his ass off without any stuff.  
  
Snape hadn't stopped Christmas from coming. IT CAME!  
  
Somehow or other, it came just the same.  
  
And Snape with his hooked-nose growing cold in the wind,  
  
Stood there dumbfounded, "But I had it all pinned!"  
  
"It came without ribbons. It came without tags."  
  
"It came without packages, boxes or bags."  
  
And he thought for three hours till his brain was quite sore,  
  
Then Snape thought of something he hadn't before:  
  
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."  
  
"Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."  
  
And what happened then…?  
  
Well… at Hogwarts they say,  
  
That Snape's tiny heart,  
  
Grew eleven sizes that day  
  
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,  
  
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,  
  
And he brought back the gifts, set them all on the table,  
  
And he…  
  
…HE HIMSELF  
  
Snape told the first fable. 


End file.
